"How stupid can I be/ A simpleton could see/ That you're no good for me"

Survivor Recap! It's almost time for the merge and I waited to weed out all the people I didn't know since I didn't watch several seasons when I was at UGA (couldn't take the verbal abuse). Now we are down to be a pretty well-known group. This season has been pretty awesome (the Cirie blindside had me jumping on the couch with excitement) but then Boston Rob (my #1 pick to win it all) got voted off and my level of enthusiasm dropped. Anyway, I will give you a quick run down of my take on each remaining Survivor:

1. Amanda- Always looks like she about to cry and/or sneeze. She displays some reasoning skills but can also be really dumb (like keeping James around with his bum knee and voting out Tom). The jury's out on this one.

2. Candice- No idea who she is. She's athletic and seems to have some good ideas. Sort of wishy-washy. I guess I like her. Well best out of the girls anyway.

3. Colby- Ah the Colpster. My first Survivor crush. He was robbed his season, got ousted by Lex way too early during All-Stars, and has escaped the chopping block several times this season. I'm liking that the spark is back in him so Colby FTW! I luff him.

4. Courtney- aka Twiggy. Needs to eat a sandwich. Actually like a million of them. If I was on her tribe and she ever complained about being hungry, I would punch her. She came into the game already like a twig so I doubt she eats substantially in real life. She is sassy though and has some good commentary. So I like her a smidge. Even if I do worry she is going to break in two at any given moment.

5. Danielle- Who? Is she six years old with that ruffle on her bikini bottom? She did stand up to Russell last week (even though she ended up going against her own argument). She's under the radar so she'll probably end up in the final three.

6. Jerri- Hated her since her first season (probably cause I was insanely in love with Colby and she flirted with him). She's been pretty stupid this season with her alliance choices. I just can't stand her and her weird teeth/ gums.I can't pinpoint exactly what but something is funky.

7. JT- Used to be one of the most deserving winners in my opinion. However, I think his buddy Stephen may have been the true mastermind because JT has lacked finesse this season. Flip-flopping votes, going to look for the HII without telling anyone, and now his little "strategic" move last night. My love is fading fast (plus he supposedly slept with Sugar. According to her twitter. I doubt it but still. Rude. -10 JT). But at least this cements Ethan as the most deserving winner ever in my book (plus he beat cancer. Ethan is awesome)!

8. Parvati- aka Poverty. I know she went to UGA so I should like her but I don't. I get it, she flirts and guys fall for it. I don't like her but if she stabs Russell in the back and blindsides him, I will love her forever. Or at least tolerate her.

9. Rupert- Completely over this guy. WAY too big of an ego. I wasn't even crazy about him on his season and by his third rotation, I just cringe any time he talks. He has proven to be pretty worthless and he's lucky he got into a dominating alliance. If he wins fan favorite again, I will throw something.

10. Russell- Ah the little hobbit on crack. I'd maybe like him if he would SHUT UP about how awesome he is. If you have to constantly remind us maybe that means you aren't that great. Plus I think anytime we've seen major strategizing going on, it's been Danielle and Poverty back and forth and Russ just sitting there. He sticks to his "vote out anyone who suspected me" plan. But he ousted Boston Rob so he's dead to me.

11. Sandra- I didn't think she deserved to win her season. She is sassy and has some good one liners but all in all, I just don't really care.

Okay, so that's how I feel. Now for the recap! Previously on * slight pause * Survivor: The Heroes are on a winning streak after sucking for so long. JT found the HII and got caught by Amanda and Candice. The Heroes assume there is a Villain female alliance and Russell is milking it. Coach got blindsided with all the girls voting for him except Jerri. And Russell wrote his name on his vote for Twiggy probably to ensure Coach's vote on the jury if he makes it to the final three. Dear God, I hope not. Wait, actually I do because then we can watch him cry again when he comes in second place then offers the winner $10,000 for the title of sole survivor and still get shut down.

Night 21: Jerri had no idea Coach was getting voted out. Danielle assures her she's not next even though she was completely left out of the loop. Russ says he is still gunning for Twiggy and Sandra.

Day 22: Tree mail. The clue is about the reward challenge we saw in Tocantins where Coach got injured, injured bad: Holding themselves up between two walls using their forearms and really small footholds. If they outlast the other tribe's member, they get a point and the first to three wins. They have to rank from strongest to weakest to determine the pairings. Russell decides to sit out since he is heaviest. On the Heroes, Rup claims he is strongest one out there and I think he is insane since his little broken toe is holding him back. Didn't he compete like 6 years ago on his first season? You're not in the same shape buddy.

Reward challenge: JT and Rupert announce AGAIN there must be a female alliance since Coach is gone. I'm not saying that's not a fair assumption but don't verbalize it. You know what they say when you assume... The reward is a huge feast courtesy of Outback Steakhouse. I love blatant product placement because it has the opposite effect on me. I will not be going there anytime soon out of spite. Who wants Chili's?!

The pairings from strongest to weakest are:

1. Danielle and Candice 2. Twiggy and Amanda 3. Poverty and JT (JT won his season) 4. Jerri and the Colpster (J says hi to Colby and I love how you see the annoyance on his face) 5. Sandra and Rupert (Competed together on Pearl Islands; he tells her he loves her and she rolls her eyes. +1 Sandra)

Once the challenge gets underway, Jeff points out this is the 100th day Amanda has played Survivor. That's insane. That's 100 days of not eating, sleeping properly, or bathing. I wonder if she will live for 100 days less than she would have if she had not competed cause that has to take a toll on you. I know it wasn't all at once but still.

JT mouths to Russell on the sidelines"hang in there" and Russell eats it up. He bows his head with hands clasped in gratitude. I don't like Russell and don't think he's that great of a strategic player but when an opportunity is smacking him in the face, he grabs it and really commits.

After 30 minutes, we see the boys starting to struggle. Colby is out first. Sadface. Sandra looks fine saying she popped out two babies and "didn't even get a [sic] aspirin". Rup on the other hand has beads of sweat dripping out of his gross beard. Rup is down. Two points for the villains. Amanda starts to struggle. She's against Twiggy who weighs 73 pounds so I think we all know how this is going to end. The music swells and... Amanda's out. Villains win reward. Jerri is crying, she's so happy to get food (maybe she's a former chubby kid. She always freaks out about the food). Poverty's laugh always sounds like she is crying or at the very least extremely nasally. -1 Poverty.

At the reward, Poverty marvels over having a napkin and what should be folded up inside the very item she is drawing attention to? A clue to the HII? Yup. She is smart, stuffs it in her shorts and doesn't say a word. I'm shocked the producers didn't tell Russell to sit there. But I guess since Poverty is in an alliance with him, she'll do.

Poverty and Danielle go off and Poverty shows D the clue. They read it and stuff it in D's top to take back to camp (there's ample room to hide it. Didn't Danielle come in second place her season? We know what she used her money for). Poverty says she wants Danielle to feel like she trusts her the most so that pretty much ensures these two will be making it to the finals. Poverty says Russ is on a need to know basis. I almost hope he does find out she has it and didn't tell him because he will cut her so fast. But at the same time Poverty is my only hope to oust Russell so I'm conflicted.

Back at the Heroes camp, JT reveals his super awesome plan: If they win the next immunity challenge, he will give the HII to Russell so he can save himself and vote out Poverty (-50 for JT). That way, Russ can flip to the Heroes-side post merge. Amanda voices that they don't know what is going on over there and Russell could be in with the girls. +1 for Amanda.

Day 23. Poverty and Danielle sneak off and find the HII. The editors try to make it look like Russ is stalking towards them but he was probably just hurrying to go potty (we know he spews a lot of crap. Zing!). Poverty says Russ isn't the king but rather she's the queen. I realize I am seeing Poverty when she has been out in the jungle without hygiene products for 20some days but I don't see the appeal at all.

Day 24. JT is writing his note to Russell about what to do with the HII. JT, you're an idiot. Why can't this wait until they actually merge and see who is on the outs. Rupert tells him to add in the note "This is your chance to not be a villain". If you heard coming into this season, without seeing Russell's gameplay, that he is one of the top five villains ever, why would you think he would stop now? Plus, Russ can't keep his mouth shut so everyone probably knows he ended up in the final three.

You know you love me. xoxo -JT

Immunity challenge: Each member must string a bag containing a puzzle piece along a rope through an obstacle course in the water. Once all five pieces are on the platform on shore, they will put together the pieces to build a totem pole. First one done, wins immunity. The Heroes have a lead pretty much the whole time thanks to Rupert and JT's strong start. Colby and Russell are the last ones out in the water so Colby gets Russell's attention. Nooooooo Colby! Not you too! -1 Colby. UGH! Colby fills Russell in on the plan and tells him to go to JT after the challenge is done cause he has something for him. Colby hops in the water for his turn and Russell is smirking. UGH. It starts to rain because God is crying and can't believe He created such stupid people. The Heroes win immunity (cue Jeff's signature arm raise, two fingers up, slightly bent elbows gesture).

"I'm an idiot."

And then like a scene from Ocean's Eleven, JT hides the HII and slips it to Russell during a congratulatory hug. Do the two tribes always do this post-challenges? I've never seen hugs, only bitter comments and taunting. I smell a rat.

Operation COMPLETELY STUPID

Neither Russ nor myself can believe his luck. "Now I don't even have to find idols, people just give them to me. You don't give the enemy the idol. Especially when his name is Russel Hantz." I mean I hate him but he has a good point. Why would they do this? WHY? Oh and Russell, people were giving you idols last season: the producers. Hey-oh!

I'm NEVER gonna shut up about this one.

Russell shows Poverty the note and she reads it all dramatically and they have some giggles. JT has very nice cursive handwriting. You wouldn't think he was the cursive type. This is all I can focus on because I hate Russell and Poverty.

Russell shows Jerri and Danielle his BFF necklace from JT. They all laugh because it is completely ludicrous. The four debate who to keep between Sandra and Twiggy. Poverty gives it some thought and argues keeping Twiggy. I will say this: I don't like Danielle but she does raise good points about how either is likely to flip since they are on the outs. Maybe Danielle just points out the obvious but a lot of these players lack that capability.

TC: The first member of the jury, Coach, waltzes in with some phoenix feathers and a kimono. I love how delusional he is. I think he is going to continue to make himself look like crap so he can trick his three friends back at home into thinking that he makes it to the end if he still looks disheveled. There's an argument between Sandra and Danielle and they blatantly acknowledge the two alliances. Danielle looks like she hasn't washed the area around her mouth for five weeks. Maybe it's just a shadow but it's bad. I take back anything I said about Danielle having common sense. That now goes to Sandra. +5 for her. Poverty says she is running the show in a joking-but-actually-really-serious way. Thank you to the editors who pan over to Jerri when Russ says he only trusts Danielle and Poverty. Yup, you're stupid for abandoning Boston Rob. -10 for Jerri.

Twiggy is awesome and schools Jerri. Twiggy says she stuck with Boston Rob instead of abandoning him like Jerri and Coach did. Jerri says she was never in Boston Rob's alliance and Twiggy points out Jerri voted for Poverty at one point but is now in an alliance with her. "You flipped in time to save your butt so awesome for you. I guess I didn't flip quick enough." Oh Twiggy, I'm starting to like your sass. +11 for the Twig since that number looks like her bird legs.

Time to vote. We see no votes. Jeff reads one for Jerri and the rest are Twiggy. Twiggy is out and the second jury member. Sadface. Sandra even voted for Twiggy. Don't know why but I would like to. Coach is looking like a douche trying to appear all zen-like in a Buddha pose. I bet Twiggy and Coach are going to have a supermegaawesome time at Ponderosa.

I can't wait to eat a piece of lettuce. I'll be so full.

Next time: MEGRE! It's tied five to five. Russ swears he is on board with the Heroes. But Sandra may sell out him out. Come on! Say you can take me to the end. No one will vote for me, I've already won once! COME ON SANDRA!