"There's a fire starting in my heart/ Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark"

Let's do a Television Recap Wrap Up. Yes, I know, why do it now when almost all shows are ending for the season? Because, friend, that way I can ease myself into the task. I do one, get a three month break, and then can start for real in the fall. It makes sense to me so let's run with it.

1. The Amazing Race-- Basically the order of who I wanted to win ended up being the opposite. I connected with Kisha and Jen the least. And props to the editors for not focusing on them since the beginning despite the fact they ended up winning (cough Survivor cough). I was pulling for a Zev/Justin win since they (read: Justin) dominated this season. When they got the heave-ho, somehow Mallory grew on me and I was pulling for them. Sucks that the cab driver really can make or break this race. And I'm happy the Globetrotters placed in the top three. So really, ho-hum season that had potential to be awesome. Just sucks when a team that didn't win first place any other leg ends up winning.

2. Make it or Break it. I'm a little over Emily's antics but I realize the pregnancy was written in since Chelsea Hobbs is/was pregnant in real life. Glad Sasha and Kaley are back at the Rock. Lauren is still obnoxious. Payson is hit or miss for me. I just wish these girls would actually change and develop as opposed to being consistently sucky-ish. And Summer needs to dump Steve and get over this "I need to be there for Lauren" business. Still love the show though.

3. Gossip Girl. Just when I was ready to give up, GG kicks it into gear. I still miss the contained drama of high school and could do without the parental issues. But with the addition of Crazy Cousin Charlie and the subtraction of Vanessa and Jenny, it's now on track. And loved Uncle Jack coming back. I have such a love/hate relationship with him (and every other character that actor plays). Looking forward to next week!

4. Glee. I liked this episode. Really the songs are what really determines it for me. And Jesse St James's return! I seriously hope Jonathan Groff pulls a Darren Criss and becomes a regular cast member. I LOVE him and Lea/Rachel together. I'm over Kurt and Santana's drama and wish there could be some more consistency in the writing so that plot lines ran smoothly and actually had resolution. But what can you do? I'm also embarrassed that I actually was enjoying the "Friday" song before I realized what it was. But hey they remixed it and it was almost unrecognizable. Almost. The shame.

5. Raising Hope. I think this show had potential to be in the vein of Arrested Development with the way all the little things add up in the episodes. Unfortunately, the past few episodes have been so-so. Here's to hoping next week's is better. It's still pretty funny though. And that baby is so cute.

6. Survivor. So freaking pumped about the finale tomorrow. I'm pulling for a Rob win. If another worthless, practically invisible Natalie wins because of a bitter jury, I'm going to be irked. I'd also be okay with a Grant/Mike win. I don't understand Phillip's logic of "playing crazy". It's one thing to be crazy and another to be annoying. He still annoyed his tribe on purpose even if it was just pretend. Like I tell my kids on the playground: Even if you're pretending, you still have to be nice. I'm hoping Rob ekes out the win (he's been playing for ten years trying to win. It took us ten years to find Bin Laden. I HAVE HOPE!) because he deserves it. I didn't understand why he didn't take Grant to the side after Ashley won and tell him, "Look man. Mike is dominating on Redemption Island. Since she can't go, one of us needs to and take this guy out or he is going to win it all. I can't do it. That stair immunity challenge really took it out of me. I know you can do it. You'll win, you'll get to come back, and we'll be in the final three." Maybe he didn't want to keep making promises he can't keep but that would have been flawless. If I wouldn't be miserable with no sleep, no shelter, and no food, I'd totally go on the show. But since I wouldn't get those things, I would quit three days (read: hours) in. GO ROB! Prediction for final three: Natalie, Phillip, and Rob.

7. American Idol. I can't believe James is out. I thought he had it in the bag. Sure he screeched but at least he was entertaining. I do think he started to slip these past two weeks. Lauren is still SO immature (evidence: when she was in the bottom two last week) and honestly not that great of a singer whether it is because of nerves or not (they praised her voice for cracking)! And Scotty McCreepy. I loathe thee. I know this means he is going to win but I LOATHE him and his flute playing-microphone. And how he totally pandered his vote to the southern, patriotic people. He was seven when 9/11 happened. If he was on Nashville Star, sure, win. But not American Idol. He also barely sings but rather sing/speaks. OVER HIM. The lesser of three evils is Hayley. While she has a horrible attitude (granted she is 19), she has the best voice and has actually grown as an artist while Scotty and Lauren have NOT even in the slightest. So go Hayley? I guess? My interest dropped when Casey got eliminated (for the second time). It still hurts.

8. Modern Family. This episode had some LOL moments but overall a weak episode. Season One was a lot stronger but the show is still very funny. I still laugh about the episode from a few weeks ago where Luke befriends the old neighbor: "We have oxygen in our house but we don't need to use tanks". *takes deep breathe before going inside* to paraphrase. I still chuckle.

9. The Office. It is struggling without Michael, that's for sure. I liked the antics of Dwight being manager but seriously, let's pick a boss and go with it. Glad Will Ferrell isn't permanent, wasn't feeling that.

10. The Vampire Diaries. Mock all you want, I honestly think it is one of the BEST shows on TV right now. It is SO addicting and consistently good. There are never s0-so episodes. While the final left me confused/ unsure of how I feel about several characters' fates, I still LOVE IT. I struggle with shipping Delena but I might come around just since Ian Somerhaulder is so darn attractive. Sad that Stefan has gone to the dark side. I actually screamed when Jeremy got shot. And I'm glad Bonnie loves/saved him. Totally shipping Caroline/Tyler. Matt can go. Totally want Ric to be Elena and Jeremy's new guardian. I was actually sad at the trifecta of deaths last week: Jenna, John, and Jules (apparently it was bad news bears if your name starts with a J) even though those were all characters I was only s0-so about all season. Glad Jeremy escaped the curse... or did he? I can't believe I have to wait all summer to find out. This show better get picked up for a third season.

Yeah... I watch a lot of tv. But it's really like one show a night... okay maybe two. That's how I feel. And you? You feel free to leave comments about how YOU feel! :)

"Baby you gotta know that I'm just out here/ ... I'm taking these chances"

I hate to say it, but the quality of The Office has declined in recent seasons. I don't know if they are just running out of ideas or steam or what but it just has not been the same. I've read people blame the union of Jim and Pam but I don't agree. I LOVED when they finally got together. But it's like the writers no longer knew what to do with them so they just made them unlikeable. Pam... I mean whatever. She was an idiot with the whole not choosing Jim for years thing. I could take her or leave her. But Jim! Jim! I love him. And sometimes I just cringe for what they are making John Krasinski do on the show. Who knows? His movie career is increasing so maybe he wants off. But most certainly Steve Carell does. Especially in tonight's episode (Classy Christmas) I noticed how much older he looks; so drained like he is over this whole deal and can't wait to get out the door.

I'm not saying I am giving up the show. I saw glimpses of the old goodness in tonight's episode. I just want Jim and Pam to likable again. And Andy to be hilarious (talk about an evolution! I hated that guy and now he might be my ultimate favorite). And why are they trying to make everyone hate Oscar all of the sudden? Just find your old stride, Office writers, please. Don't have a good thing go to waste.

PS If you didn't hear the Lil Wayne/Office theme song mash-up that was circulating a few months ago on the internet, you are missing out. Gold-den.

"Hate is a strong word/ But I really, really, really don't like you"

Four "celebrities" I wish I could lock up in a box and never hear/read anything about them ever again.

4. Speidi. Totally not buying this "divorce" business. Lame attempt at publicity I say. Who walks out of a courtroom with legal documents in plain sight? Fame whores, that's who.

3. Lindsay Lohan. She's in rehab, she's out, she's in rehab, she's dating a girl, they broke up, she has a SCRAM bracelet, it went off, no it didn't, I DON'T CARE. She had what, like, one good movie? And that can mostly be accredited to Tina Fey's script or Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfried's acting. Let's see who has the better resume at this point? Hint: Not Lindsay.

2. Miley Cyrus. Seriously. You've 17. Stop acting like a complete skank. Is she even "acting" anymore or is it just for real? I'm think it's the latter. And her parents should be ashamed instead of checking their bank account.

1. Kate Gosselin. Hope all the millions she is making now will go towards her kids' therapy bills later on in life. You know, provided she doesn't blow it all on boob jobs, fake tans, hair extensions, and mani/pedis.

Feel free to create your own list in the comments section!

"One quick look as each of em leaves you ... They take bows and you're batting zero"

This is the second part of my Survivor Recap. First part is here:

Final TC in the TH: Jury time! I love it. Sandra says she's stuck around even though her alliance was decimated. She points out how she tried to get the Heroes to vote out Russell but they never got on board (coughCandicecough). Russell says his game didn't involve luck. Really? So rooting around under random trees in the jungle isn't luck? I see how he could argue it is strategy but please. It was luck. This guy is delusional. Poverty points out she was a threat from day one and she's still here. She calls Russell her pet and says she played a great game. I bet Russell's tongue is bleeding from biting down on it. I wonder if they had to edit out him trying to interrupt. Wouldn't surprise me.

Jury questioning highlights:

-Colby calls Russell out on the no-luck comment. +1 Colby. Poverty points out how she played the two idols for other people at the risk of getting voting out herself. Point to Poverty.

-Coach calls Russell a little man in stature and word. Zing! He says Poverty was a warrior in challenges. He asks no questions. Sit down fool.

-Amanda asks Sandra why her strategy was better. She basically points out how dumb the Heroes were to never vote out Russell when she was willing to jump ship. Pwned.

-Twiggy is voting for Sandra. That's all.

- JT says he made his bed and he's going to lie in it and thinks Russell should do the same. Russell just listens to the "lie" part and keeps yapping about how good of a game he played.

-Danielle says Russ sucks at jury management and no one respects him so he's not going to get any votes. Boom.

-Jerri wants to know why she wasn't taken to the end. Russell says she was too well liked and was going to win. Poverty and Sandra interrupt and say he knew he was going to get Jerri's vote so that's why. And there goes his one potential vote.

- Candice says Russ went too far with the lying. She metaphorically calls Poverty a battered woman. Inapprop.

-Rupert. He's got on his condescending and judgmental voice so this will be good. He says Russell shouldn't be proud of how he played the game. He apologizes to Sandra for not going along with her plan. Poverty finally points out that she had no one to align with but Russell so people need to lay off on the fact she worked with him.

Hmmm... no tears. No snake/rat speech. No charity questions. What an absurd final TC. If I was on Survivor, here is what I would say at Final TC if I was in the final 2/3. Since everyone on that jury is a bitter Betty and Bobby, you should point out that you HAD to vote them out because they were a threat, because they were going to win if they made it to the end. That it doesn't mean you are a better person than them, it just means you played a slightly better strategic game and that's cause their gameplay was forcing you to do that. You gotta stroke their massive egos and say if you could change anything, you wish that feelings wouldn't have gotten hurt or anything taken personally but you understand cause you might feel the same way. Never say "it's just a game" because that sends people into a tizzy.

We see the following votes:

Poverty: Jerri, Danielle, and Coach (where an eagle screech accompanies his statement that "King Arthur's journey has ended". Seriously editors, submit this for your Emmy reel. I'm dying laughing).

Sandra: Candice, Courtney, and Rupert (Sandra was right about how she'll still get his vote).

No amazing trek back the USA by Jeff. Drats. Time to read the votes! We see all of the ones we already saw and then two more for Sandra! She looks so purdy! The first two-time winner: Sandra Diaz-Twine!

I just didn't want Russell to win. I wish Poverty would have since she played a way better strategic and physical game but most juries can't see past their hurt egos. Again, I maintain as I have since last season that Russell is always kept around because everyone knows they can wipe the floor with him at the end. So Russell missed his chance to eliminate his biggest threat numerous times (Sandra) and Sandra's plan repeatedly being foiled by the Heroes ending up rewarding her with the million. Irony!

Reunion show highlights:

- Russell says there is a flaw in the game: America should be able to vote. I believe that show is called "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here". Dear God, please no. Don't let that be Russell's next move.

- Russell has LAMINATED the note from JT and is talking about he made a winner look like the dumbest player ever. JT reaches from behind and tries to throw it in the fire accompanied with a "No!" and flailing by Russell. LEGEND. DARY.

- Jeff says Russell was a delusional, arrogant, mouthy idiot every single day. Gee I wonder who called that last season? Oh yeah ME.

- We get a shot of Sandra's hubby. Thanks for serving our country!

- Russell: Poverty should have won.

Jeff: Again Russell that's a different game. That's called Russell Decides Who Wins Survivor.

I gotta say I don't care for Jeff but he is on fire tonight.

- Russell says he doesn't care about the jury. He keeps saying he only played the game once and doesn't answer Jeff's very direct question. Sandra pipes in (even though her mic is turned off) and says "He doesn't understand".

- Boston Rob points out that Russell plays to make it to the end but he doesn't play to win since he burns too many bridges and insults too many people so he's not gonna get votes.

- "But given the opportunity I will gladly go back and kick your ass all over the island." -Boston Rob. WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN. The only way it would have been better would been if he said "Just as many times as you" when Russell asked how many times he has won. He refuses to shake his hand probably because Russell is the smoke monster.

- JT wins the Dumbest Move ever award.

- Coach kinda humps Colby on national television. Awkward.

- Stephenie is lame and plugs her restaurant on tv when she gets asked her one question. Lame. Jeff rolls his eyes. Awesome.

- "Just one question, not a lot of time .....because you will tell a story," Jeff to Coach. Did Jeff take some awesome pills before this reunion? He is killing it.

- We see Rob and Amber's cute baby, Lucia Rose. Awwwwww. According to Cirie's twitter they are pregs again but I haven't seen that info anywhere else (she also said Colby and Danielle are hooking up).

- Russell wins Sprint Player of the Game probably because he made his four children text vote after vote like a mini sweatshop since honestly fifteen people clap when he wins. And Rupert was his competitor? What about Rob? Poverty? Heck, even Sassy Courtney? America, you disappoint me (but not when it comes to American Idol... Lee FTW!).

- "Russell, damn you" -Danielle. Yup, that sums up this season.

- The Survivor compilation image was the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

I totally called the next season taking place in Nicaragua. Well that or Antarctica. But then they wouldn't have ladies in bikinis and shirtless dudes so can't do that. At least I was right. While I always love the All Star seasons, I'm excited to have some fresh blood and no preformed alliances running the game. Bring it on Burnett!

"All that work and what did it get me?/ Why did I do it?"

Soooo the Survivor finale was almost two weeks ago but I haven't had time to do a three hour recap. If you like the show, you watched and know what happened so I am going to just hit the highlights instead of scene by scene. Plus, even though I've made a very conscious effort to cut these things down in length, I'm still getting complaints (you know who you are) so here's the abbreved version. Enjoy!

This episode is titled "Anything Could Happen". It might as well be labeled as "Anything Could Happen.... Besides Russell Winning". Jeff recaps, you know the drill: Heroes. Villains. Boston Rob. Immunity. Idols. Russell's a douchebag. People make the dumbest moves ever (coughJTcough). Sandra and Poverty are the only two who deserve it at this point. Let's see what happens.

After Rupert's ousting, Russell says Sandra played an idol that was totally worthless. Poverty calls him out as says "You did it too!" Twice. +1 Pov-ster. Russell says that Sandra lied to him about having the HII. Sandra smacks him down saying he never told her about his idols until after he played them. Touche Sandra. But really, it's Russell so logic is pointless with him. He accuses Poverty of lying to him and she calls him a toddler. I think that's being generous. We get the obligatory misleading info where maybe Colby won't be going home but we all know he is. I like the Colpster but really WHAT a disappointment this season. Credits.

Treemail. Clue about the challenge in China with actual china (racist). Russell wants to be in the top 3 with Jerri and Sandra since neither "played the game" and "the jury would almost have to vote for me". I think they would vote for Hitler to win before you.

Challenge: Balancing and stacking dishes with one hand. Shockingly, Sandra is out before Colby for once with nine dishes. Anytime Jeff notes how many there are, you know someone is about to fail. Jerri is out with 14. Then Russell with 16. Who knew stacking dishes could be so suspenseful? Poverty is a challenge beast and wins again. She is really making me start to like her.

Colby says "Hey, I know I'm going, let's just enjoy the day". The we get an awkward interview where there's twenty seconds of silence while he tries not cry and says he isn't giving up and has one last attempt. Colby tries to reason with Russell (already a poor choice) about getting rid of Sandra so he, Jerri, and Russell can all try to beat Poverty and eliminate her the next round (yeah cause you've really dominated challenges this season). Russell says he is considering it and that's just so we don't know who is going home 29 minutes into the episode.

TC in the TH: Colby is out surprising exactly no one. I miss BA Colby. I look forward to seeing you in Schick commercials and a small role in thrillers starring Rachel McAdams.

Talk about needing to get Poverty out. Russell says the jury thinks she's some big strategic player but she's not (false) and Jerri says P was just tucked under his wing the whole time (kettle? Meet pot. Minus the fact this is NOT true).

Treemail where they go on the stupid journey to see all of the "fallen comrades". Boring and I don't have to say anything for ten minutes. Well besides RIP Boston Rob. Sad emoticon.

Challenge: Navigating a maze blindfolded while collecting four necklaces. First one to the immunity necklace, wins. WHAT?! No endurance challenge? Boohockey! It's a glorified version of Marco Polo (which I would excuse if this took place in China but it doesn't so fail). Poverty is banging into stuff. Sandra is following P's voice. Poverty and Russell get their last necklace at the same time and he is shoving her and pushing her all over the place. Classy. Also probably trying to cop a feel. It's a suspenseful ending as Jerri, Poverty, and Russell are all inches away from the immunity necklace. Russell gets up on his tippy toes and manages to reach the necklace. Russell wins but let's face it he wasn't going anywhere since they all know he is the ticket to the million. Jerri is all excited thinking she is guaranteed a spot in the final three. Russ makes Jeff put on the necklace. Douche.

Russ tells Sandra she is in a real good spot. She knows it's because she already won the million and no one will vote for her again. "That's alright, I'll take the 100,000." For real. But then she says Russell doesn't think she will get a single vote "But I don't know about thaaaaaat." I love her. Russell wants Jerri gone cause she is a guaranteed vote on the jury. Yeah, I'm sure people always vote for the person that burned/blindsided them. Has he ever watched this show before?

TC in the TH: Ping ponging between Jerri, Poverty, Jerri, Poverty. Poverty says she has been protecting Russell the entire time. His face is one of anger, frustration, surprise, and disbelief. She tries to dislodge her foot from her mouth and say they've been protecting each other. I immediately worry this is going to be another Danielle-like ousting. Aaaaaand Jerri's out. Let's face it, she needed to go. She could maybe beat the other girls since she has never won and a freaking palm tree could beat Russell at this point. So see ya later Jer!

Day 39! Breakfast feast, natch. Russell interviews that he brought people he could beat this time around since "it didn't work last time". I honestly think this was filmed on a green screen because it sort of looks funny AND I checked out the dates and the finale of Samoa wasn't until a good three months until after HvV finished filming. Don't say I didn't do my research (coughWikipediacough). Maybe he is basing this on the Samoan jury reaction but I don't think he knew the votes during the filming of HvV. He did after all launch RussellGotScrewed.com practically seconds after the Samoa finale premiered. I'm just saying.

At Russell's prompting, Poverty says that if she had ended up on the jury that she would have voted for Sandra. Russell says his game was better than Poverty's. False. Sandra says she is going to burn his hat and goes and throws the fedora in the fire. Awesome. Give her the million now. Such sweet justice for him burning Jaison's socks (twice) on his first season. Sandra says Russell has a big bald spot he doesn't want anyone to know about "but we've been out here 39 days. I've seen it a whole lot of times." +100 Sandra. Give this woman a tv show! You'd almost feel a little sorry for him if he wasn't such an arrogant jerk.

Poverty burns down the shelter and like always I think this is very environmentally unsafe. Sandra says she never hid behind an immunity idol. Touche. (Sidenote: Watching this again after knowing the outcome, there are a LOT of Sandra interviews. Should have been this coming).

Final TC and Reunion in the next post to split it up a little! I'm wordy! Trust me, this is WAAAAAY shorter than it could have been.

"Kiss and tell/ Loose lips sink ships"

Previously on * slight pause * Survivor: Sandra found the HII. Candice and Danielle both made dumb moves and got voted out in a special double elimination episode.

Night 33: Rupert is being a typical d-bag saying how each day his chances of winning this game get better and better. You're doing a great job there, Copernicus: that’s usually how it works when you make it closer and closer to the end of the game. Poverty knows they need to get rid of the remaining Heroes because they have a lot of friends on the jury so she still needs to be nice to Russell.

Whoever edited in the sound effects during Russell’s interview deserves a raise: “When Danielle said ‘We’re closer than you really think, Russell’, the switch went off in my head and I think * light bulb clicking noise * Oh really * cocks head to the side along with a tapping noise * Did she just say that to me?” Classic. Russell sees Poverty on edge and realizes he just eliminated her main alliance and now she has to rely on him. Or her amazing gameplay thus far. Same diff.

Credits, aw man, guess this one isn’t as shocking.

Treemail: A box with a Spring Palm Pre in it. Product placement, yay! They show off the features and Poverty plays right into it to hoping get some free phones in the future and says how cool the phone is. They go to the video app and there are messages from family members! It’s so sweet that when everyone yells, Sandra shushes them so Colby is able to hear the message from his brother. We see messages from Colby’s brother, Poverty’s dad, Russell’s wife, Sandra’s uncle, Jerri’s sister, and Rupert’s wife and know they are going to participate in the next reward challenge. Awkward quote from Rupert: “I can’t wait to get out there and maybe touch my wife.” I think “hug” would have been the less creepy, appropriate, sweet verb to use in this case.

Reward Challenge: Jeff brings in the family members one by one and it’s adorable to see the reunions minus the fact that you know the survivors are rubbing their stank all over their family members. Poverty’s dad seems refreshingly normal. Russell’s wife is rather pretty. Good genes must run in the Donaldson family. Rupert is macking all over his wife but my one thought is how badly his breath must smell. They’ve been married for 12 years so I’m sure the wife has experienced worse (come on, he already looked disheveled on day one). Whew, Sandra loses it when she sees her uncle. She explains how important he is to her and how he was sitting by her mom’s side until her last minute alive. Whew it’s emotional but really I cry when anyone cries so maybe it’s just me.

The survivors are going to throw bucketfuls of water about five feet to their family members who will be trying to catch and dump it into another bucket. First to fill their bucket and raise their flag, wins reward to some place that has blowholes and food and they get to record their memories on the Palm Pre.

Lots of chaos/action this challenge: Colby is yelling at his brother for doing everything wrong. Sandra is yelling in Spanish. Jerri and her sister are doing well. Russell’s wife is spitting in the bucket thinking that tablespoon is really going to help. Rupert's wife is squeezing the water out of her shirt and Jeff announces her crafty game plan. Sometimes I think Jeff shouldn’t be able to announce such things because others follow suit. It’s pretty much between Jerri, Russell, and Rupert. And Jerri wins!

She gets to pick two pairs to go along on the reward and selects Poverty and Sandra. I think if I were in Jerri’s spot I would pick the people who almost won as to not ruffle any feathers. It’s a very diplomatic approach. Well that or I’d tell them to pick a number between 1-100 and the two closest go. Rupert and his wife are making out before saying goodbye and I am sufficiently grossed out. The boys head back to camp.

At the Blowholes, the girls toss some coconuts in these gapping holes and they skyrocket into the air from the huge waves. Everyone ohs and awes like six year olds at a fireworks show. They snap some pictures on their Palm Pre (do I get money for advertising the name in this blog post? Probably not so... iPhone FTW!!!) Poverty says taking pictures was one of the best parts of the reward. Yes because I would want to capture and remember what I look like after not bathing for 30-some days. But they are already going to be on TV so why not?

Sandra talks about her favorite uncle and I immediately worry that we are getting too much backstory on Sandra. I misunderstood and thought she said her mom passed away a week ago and I freak out because they totally told Jenna Morasca and she got to leave but then I am informed it’s been a year and a week. It’s still sad though. It makes me like Sandra more. +10 Sandra.

The girls start talking strategy and Jerri is pooping her pants about Russell most likely being mad for not taking him on the reward. Jerri, there is no way you are making it to the finale three unless you win immunity so moot point. The girls assure her that they have her back (for now). Back at camp, the boys are complaining about Jerri’s “stupid” move. I wouldn’t want to spend the afternoon with those jerks anyway so I don’t blame her for taking the girls. Russell says he has saved Jerri’s ass before but if memory serves me correctly, Poverty saved her by giving her immunity when she was about to go home so maybe Jerri was just returning the favor. Punk. He calls Poverty and Jerri “ungrateful little bitches” showing off his chauvinistic attitude. Notice he always teams up with girls. This is probably because he thinks no one would be dumb enough to vote for a lowly girl over a burly man. He doesn’t know his strategy didn’t work in Samoa and I think he is about to get pwned again. (Sidenote: They should have Samoa Girl Scout cookies be a reward. People go crazy for those in everyday life. When you haven’t eaten for over a month they would go absolutely bonkers. Make it happen, producers!)

Russell, Rupert, and Colby make an agreement to go the final three. I hope the boys aren’t dumb enough to fall for this. -1 to each of the boys. But Rupert FINALLY points out (what I have been saying for the past two seasons... boo yah) that if he can take the best villain to the final three, he is guaranteed the million. True dat. If by "best villain" you mean WORST human ever. +10 to Rupe for finally voicing it.

The girls get back to camp and Rupert is the only one awake so they head to bed. Rupert sees this as the perfect time to saw, chop wood, and break some logs. Brilliant idea. “I have never in my life seen anybody that inconsiderate. I don’t know if it’s incredible cockiness or just complete stupidity. I’m leaning more towards stupidity, quite frankly.” Zing! +10 to Jerri and probably the only time I will ever like you.

Immunity Challenge: Holding your hands up, palms down (another tie in to the Sprint phone?) holding up two poles against an overhead board. If a pole drops you’re out. Last one, wins immunity. Colby is out after 15 seconds. -15 to the Colpster. I wanted to hope that Colby was sucking on purpose so he wasn’t perceived as a physical threat since he dominated the challenges in his original season but I think we can confidently say that is not the case. Sandra follows soon after and then Russell. As Jeff is pointing out that Jerri’s are still dead center, hers inexplicably drops mid-sentence. A compliment from Jeff is bad luck I tell you. Poverty and Rupert have poles resting on the edge of the board, hanging on by a thread. Rupert’s falls and Poverty wins another endurance challenge! Apparently I am really rooting for Poverty at this point because I was sick at the thought of her losing during that challenge. +5 Poverty. And I've started to type out Parvati initially because I'm gaining more and more respect. She really does deserve the million. But she doesn't deserve to miss out on having her silly name be mispronounced.

Russell says since Poverty won immunity, he is going to have to vote for Rupert. Sandra tells Rupert she wants Russell out. Sandra spells it out AGAIN saying everyone wants to take Russell to the end because he is so bad that everyone will vote against him and that’s why he is still here. THANK YOU. Validation. Guess the editors couldn’t keep it out by this point. Because Rupert is an idiot, he runs and tells Russell. -10 Rupert. Russell of course freaks out and confronts Sandra: “Are you with me or against me”. “I’m against you Russell”. Well at least no one can accuse her of lying during the final TC. +10 Sandra. Russell and Sandra say they are both comfortable and not worried about votes. Sandra says “Loose lips sink ships” to Rupert and he doesn’t get that it’s his ship that is about to sink. Poverty asks “Who invited Boston Rob (RIP) back” since Russell ripped off his line. Russell throws out maybe voting for Sandra because this is how he plays the game: guns for anyone who suspects him. Sandra says that today is the last day she can use the idol but she might not use it because she is very confident that she is not going home. Oh Sandra! NO! You’re one of the few who I still want to win.

TC in the TH: Sandra says Rupert tried to stir up some trouble between her and Russell so another villain could go home. Poverty does an awesome imitation of Sandra when she said she’s against Russell. Poverty says again that a Hero cannot be in the final three because they have a lot of friends on the jury. Rupert says you either need to be the top Hero (which he is not) or the top Villain in the final three and own it to win the million. Poverty whips her neck in Russell’s direction at the mention of top villain. Rupert asks Poverty if she’s the top villain and she says “Nope. I’m a hero on the inside”. Time to vote! Sandra: “I’ll write your name again and if I’m up in the final three, you’ll still give me your vote”. I’m guessing Rupert voted for Sandra during the Pearl Islands. Rupert votes for Sandra. Danielle retches as Russell walks up to vote. I would too Danielle, I would too. Time to tally!

Jeff: If anyone has the HII---

Sandra pops up like a Jack in the box, hands on hips: Should I let you finish? EPIC.

She said she had mixed feelings about this TC so she is going to play it because she’d hate to go home with the idol in her bra (cough JAMES cough). Russell and Poverty both confirm they had NO idea she had it. “She’s bad” says Russell. Really? Cause I think she’s AWESOME. I mean sure you risk showing that you were hiding something from the tribe but I think that’s how an HII should be played. Very few should know about it but we know Russell “I can’t keep my one-tooth-too-few mouth shut” Hantz doesn’t abide by that philosophy. Two votes for Sandra. Three for Rupert and the tye-dyed one is gone. He gives a menacing look as his torch is snuffed to Russell. (Someone make a montage of that for all these seasons! There has to be a million of em). But I mean really, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. See ya Rupert! In his exit interview he says “Maybe I wasn’t destined to win Survivor.... But I’m still pretty tough. But I don’t need to win Survivor to know that.” Good so I better not see you on the next All-Star season. I wanted to root for ya but then you failed to oust Russell so I’m all done! Seriously, why we were all obsessed with him during his original season? I don’t remember why.

Let me break this down: Sandra and Poverty are going to stay tight since they are past winners and no one wants to give the money to the same person twice. They NEED Russell because he is despicable and has pissed all pretty much every single person on the jury (seriously, he doesn’t have a crazy Shambo on his side this time) and they know he is their ticket to the million. They know a Hero will beat them and even Jerri could maybe since she has never won before. My guess for final three: Russell, Poverty, and Sandra and I think Poverty will win. But really as long as it's not Russell, I'm be fine. Finale tomorrow!!!! Yeah! Can't wait to see Russell cry AGAIN. It's gonna be epic!

"And it's taken me this long/ But baby I've figured you out"

We are hurdling towards the SERIES finale of LOST. Ahhhh... what will I do with myself when it ends? How will I waste hours sifting through message boards and comments for one theory that has a glimmer of being right (only to be dashed an episode or two later)? What will I talk about with my friends for hours on end? I don't even want to think about it.

But what I am thinking about is how is it going to end. Just so in the event that my far fetched guess is right, I am writing it here so I can accept all the glory. This is my non-definite ending theory. (Meaning if it isn't going to end with one side ultimately winning-- if good doesn't prevail):

Let's recall the conversation between Jacob and the MIB (are we ever going to learn his name!?!) during season 5 where Jacob says "It only ends once, everything else is just progress". I think that Jack is going to become the new Jacob and it is going to end after X number of years with Jack bringing a new batch of people to the island... perhaps by plane crash or a wayward boat, whatever. But maybe it will end with a new person opening their eye a la Jack in the pilot and it's going to start all over. And everything that we have seen, these past six seasons, has been progress. I'm not saying I like my theory, I just had the inspiration after last week's episode.

So that will mean Jack is the new Jacob and FLocke will remain as the MIB. I threw out this theory to my fellow LOST-obsessed friend TW and he said he thought maybe Sawyer would be the new MIB. I think this can also be a solid theory because Sawyer has always been the one so desperate to get home and he and Jack have always been against each other. Admit it, it makes a little bit of sense.

So that's what I think. Anyone else care to share their theories? Only 3.5 hours left. All I know is I'm not emotionally prepared for this.

"You'll be sorry when you figure out/ I was always everything that you needed/ Sooner or later, you're gonna wish you had me"

Previously on * slight pause * Survivor: A long montage of the "moves" Russell has made. Could the little hobbit possibly be exiting this week?! One can only hope. He did waste that immunity idol last week cause he sucks at the social aspect of the game. Oh yeah and Candice was an idiot, turned on her own tribe and Amanda was voted out.

Let me just say: I got excited when I found out this was going to be a double elimination. Then I saw on another board someone's comment that it would probably just be Colby and Rupert therefore eliminating the last of the Heroes. I entered this episode with low expectations.

Night 30: Jerri is immediately suspicious of Candice since "once a flopper, always a flopper" and wants her gone since they don't need her anymore (can someone please count HOW many times this happened in the entire series of Survivor. They use you and then throw you out next time. It has to be in the dozens by now) Colby and Rupert start filling out a page about Candice in their Burn Book. Pathetic, self-centered, weak. There are no other Heroes" Rupert laments. Okay, no need to be that dramatic.

No credits. Yessss. Let's get our game faces on.

Rupert says Russell is "worse than Johnny Fairplay" and confronts him, particularly about how Russell swore on his kids' lives. Russell plays the "it's just a game" card. Russell slams Rupert and calls him "the good guy, the second coming of Christ" and while I do think Rupert should be knocked down a few pegs (he's never won, the fans just like him for whatever reason) Russell is throwing out whatever because he can't believe someone is actually standing up to him. "You're a dumbass,” he says to Rupert (let's keep that in mind for later). All in all, +5 to Rupert.

Immunity challenge: Endurance challenge. Stand on a perch, hold your arm up that is chained to a bucket for as long as possible or a bucket of colored water/paint will come crashing down and you're out. Food items will be temptations for people to drop out. Poverty has won this challenge before and lasted six (?!?!) hours. Couldn't this come after a shower reward challenge so we don't have to see all of the girls' overgrown armpits? Gross.

After literally ONE minute, Sandra and Russell want out and don't care what the mystery food item is (cookies and milk. Win). Colby drops out for doughnuts and iced coffee. Seriously?! You're on your way the door; wait 24 more hours to eat. -5 Colby. Candice earns like half a cool point as Colby's neon green water comes crashing down and says "Ninja turtle style". She is whispering with Danielle during the challenge "Will Poverty hang on? Someone needs to beat Rupert" Oh how quickly we assimilated ourselves into the V tribe.

35 minutes pass and Jeff brings out PB&J, chips, and candy and Danielle, Jerri, and Candice are out. I'd be pissed if I were the one on my tribe everyone hung their hopes on and I had to suffer and go home with an empty stomach. Their buckets come crashing down and Danielle exposes herself and that’s par for the course. "Your pants just came off," Jerri announces like the idiot she is. And then there were two.

After an hour and ten minutes, Rupert slips off the perch and Poverty wins. I do think that a lot of challenges have favored the girls solely because they include balancing. There is a reason they don't have the balance beam as a men's sport in gymnastics. They suck at it. I’m calling shenanigans on a producer being in love with Poverty and wanting to see her make it to the end so she can be his Sugar Mama.

Jeff reads a rhyming clue to the entire group for the next HII. They get back to camp and everyone scrambles off in search of the idol. Somehow Sandra (?!?) is the one to find it instead of Russell. She knows she can't read it in front of everyone so she stashes it at another spot. +50 Sandra

Rupert is somewhat brilliant and puts a rock in his pocket to make it look like he is stashing the idol. Guess who falls for it hook, line, and sinker? Russell "You're a dumbass" Hantz. Ahhh.... irony is sweet.

The Vs decide to split the vote between Rupert and Colby in the event Rupert plays the "idol". Jerri is weary of Candice and wants to vote for her instead of Colby. The girls are discussing this behind a structure. A structure, which conceals not only you but also the person on the other side. Colby overhears their plan and he and Rupert are going to throw up a Hail Mary and vote for Candice so she can be out 5-3 and have a little revenge for voting Amanda out. Hey, that sounds like an idea someone else had! (Hint: Me!)

TC in the TH: Rupert and Colby gang up on Candice about turning on them. Candice's logic is faulty because the Heroes did have the numbers with Sandra so she sucks. Russell keeps saying "partnahs". When did this become Blazing Saddles? Time to read the votes. Rupert stays in his seat and everyone is a little puzzled. Jeff reads the first vote and COMMERCIAL. Oh this means it's going to be good.

Three votes for Rupert and then.... Candice! YES! This is going to work!! Five votes later she is out and another castaway falls victim to the consequences of being a flip flopper. Love it! Russell is pissed they didn’t split the votes between Colby and Rupert and is freaking out trying to predict outcomes, and decides he needs to take control of this game.

Immunity challenge already?!? Love it! Obstacle course involving table mazes, climbing walls, and a puzzle with only a certain number of people moving on to the next round. It comes down to the sliding puzzle with Russell, Rupert, and Poverty. Russell pulls out the win. Boooooo.

Poverty says they are voting for Rupert tonight and goes on and on about how the Vs are going to weed out the Heroes and they are running the show and there won’t be a single Hero left.

Since Russell has immunity around his neck and is safe from the vote, he decides to stir up some trouble: He is going to tell Poverty that Danielle is gunning for her and vice versa. If this guy didn’t have immunity he never would have made such a huge move so let’s not give him too much credit for strategizing. I’m all for eliminating the threat but seriously people, WAIT until the rest of the other tribe is gone. See: Tocantins and Samoa where tribes came in vastly outnumbered and ended up in the finals.

Russell runs and tells Poverty that Danielle wants her out. Poverty’s WTF face along with “Why does she want to do that?” isn’t one of shock or betrayal; it’s her BS meter ringing off the charts. She says she is going to talk to Danielle and Russell goes in to panic mode saying she will be the next one out of this game and threatening her. Russell does not do well when his back is against a wall. Poverty went up a couple of notches for seeing through his crap and not backing down. +10 Poverty. I still don’t like her but I’m rooting for her out everyone that is left (RIP Boston Rob).

Poverty and Danielle talk and rightly assume Russell is worried that if they end up in the final three, the girls will take each other and he’ll be on the outs (guess no one told them this is going to be a final 3 situation). I never noticed how pronounced of an accent Danielle has. Boston maybe? All I know is I want her to stop talking. Russell thinks that this will make Poverty scared of him and she’ll follow his every order from here on out if Danielle gets voted out. I didn’t watch her previous seasons but didn’t Russell? Cause she doesn’t strike me as the type to be “scurred” of anyone in this game.

Russell tells Jerri to vote for Danielle (along with Colby and Rupert) and when she asks him to elaborate when he says she will be next if she doesn’t (which makes NO sense), he just says, “I can’t”. I repeat: Russell has no strategy beyond going after anyone who is slightly against him. He is only keeping Poverty (the bigger threat) since she has already won the game and figures people won’t vote for her again.

TC in the TH: Danielle says the Vs are making decisions together. Jerri says the opposite. Danielle and Poverty reveal that they were pitted against each other and Russell is at the root of it. Russell tries to flip it on Danielle and she calls him a liar. They are arguing and talking over each other and Danielle starts to cry. She says she is exhausted and it is getting to be too much for her and everyone on the jury scoffs and I believe JT mutters, “Boo hoo”. Yeah, not a smart way to campaign for votes. All of them wish they were exhausted and still in the game. Russell tries to play victim and Twiggy is Eliza-ing it up over on the side with her reactions because they all know anything that comes out of his mouth is Grade A crap. And then Danielle pulls her last round of ammunition out of her bag and says, “I’m closer to Poverty than you think” and promptly shoots herself in the foot. Poverty practically does a face palm. I mean everyone knows you’re working together but no need to throw out that kind of statement, honey. This isn’t the time to brag about sitting at the cool kids lunch table. You’re playing for a million dollars! Danielle tries to slap a band-aid over her bullet hole and says, “We’re all fine!” while they are clearly anything but. Russell mouths to Jerri to vote for Danielle. Time to vote.

Russell spells his vote "Danellie". Well I think we now know who voted for “Luara” last season. I wonder if he does it on purpose just to spite them or if he is dyslexic. Jerri votes and says her vote is “sealing [her] fate”. I’m intrigued. Jeff reads the votes and 3 votes for Rupert and then 4 votes for Danielle and she’s out of there. “That’s messed up” says Poverty and I actually agree. Way to oust yourself from your alliance.

Next week: Russell is trying to team up with the Heroes and I pray Rupert actually spews his holier-than-thou crap so that this doesn’t happen. The finale is on Sunday!!!!! HECK YES! Team Anyone But Russell (or Jerri who has done nothing)!

And I know I’ve said it before but go and watch Ponderosa!!! JT, Coach, and Courtney have started a band called The Dragons and they have a music video. Go!

P.S. Couldn't find pics online anywhere. Sorry!

"I got my swim trunks/ And my flippy floppys"

Previously on Survivor: Merge. JT proved that Stephen was the brains behind their dominance and he never should have won the million. Russell continued his one-sided love affair with Poverty and gave her ANOTHER idol. And Poverty pulled one of the best strategic moves in this entire show and almost made me start spelling her name correctly out of respect. Oh yeah, JT got voted out. Shocker.

Night 27: Rupert says he tried to tell the Heroes about Russell. Candice is kissing the villains’ butts, saying it was a great move. Russell is pissed Poverty didn’t tell him about the second idol. She “lied” to him apparently. Poverty defends herself with her high pitch voice that she must think guys find attractive but it doesn’t make Russell any less angry. Poverty says it is because he thinks he’s the godfather of this game and I’m shocked she didn’t call herself the godmother.

Amanda and Rupert strategize and Rupe says he is going to work on Sandra and try to get her on board with them. The Heroes know she is pretty much their last hope. Ooooh they don’t even show the intro/credits. That means they needed that extra 45 seconds. I’m excited.

Day 28. Stock footage of those darn whales again. Candice is stroking Russell’s ego about a move he had nothing to do with (-5 Candice). Russ starts working on her to jump ship. When someone from the other tribe is saying there is a strong possibility you could wind up in at least third place, I think that’s when you should call shenanigans.

If you switch to be with us, I promise I will tell you how LOST ends. I'm the king of Survivor. Don't you know I'm omisent... omniscent... all-knowing?!?

Reward challenge: Glorified version of shuffleboard: Three teams, two turns each, and closest to the X wins. This was boring to watch so I will not bore you with words. After the first round, Rupert is closest. When Sandra’s doesn’t get close to the X, Probst gets catty and says, “That’s a wasted shot right there.” Thanks for the input Jeffrey. On the/his last shot, Colby wins reward for himself, Amanda, and Danielle. A trip to Robert Louis Stevenson’s (wrote Treasure Island) home which is now a museum, a showing of the film and a good night’s sleep in a real bed.

Hey, I stepped up for once! YAY!

The trio is chillin on the bed, watching the movie but Amanda is scanning the room for the clue. Danielle and Colby are chomping on popcorn and Danielle finds it in the bowl and drops it on the floor under her spot on the bed. Amanda gets suspicious and heads over to Danielle’s side.

Oh nothing. Just your last chance at million bucks.

She finds the clue and a catfight ensues. LOL. Danielle is calling Amanda “psychotic” and they wrestle for the clue. They argue who has rights to the clue and Colby is asked for his opinion. “I didn’t even see what happened, I was watching Treasure Island.” LOL. Colby, stupidly, tells Amanda to give it back to Danielle. -10 Colby. And Amanda even more stupidly, ends up giving it back to her. -20 Amanda. These Heroes, you really make it hard for me to root for you when you are continually STUPID.

Gimme it, you psychopath!

The three head back to camp and it doesn’t take long for the catfight story to come up. Danielle exaggerates that she “wrestled Amanda down to the ground”. I didn’t see that happen. Danielle and Russell take off to search for the clue. And of course, Russell finds it and stashes it and Danielle has no clue (even though she had the clue). This is Russell’s petty attempt at revenge. Wouldn’t Danielle have gotten suspicious when he just stopped searching all of the sudden even if it was so "the heroes won't get suspicious"? Nah, that’s giving her too much credit.

Russell tells Candice he has the HII. She says she wants to see it so they head off into the jungle. Russell says again that this is their key to the final three. I’d like to know who the third person is. Poverty? Danielle? They hug, there is talk of trust, and blah blah blah. Candice, I wanted to root for you. I wanted to like you. But you are now dead to me unless this is an elaborate rouse to rid us of Russell.

Sandra is breaking down what happened on her tribe (RIP Boston Rob) to Colby. The two assume Danielle has the HII so they should go after Russell or Poverty tonight. Cut to Sandra and Russell chat chitting and I’m actually shocked at how poorly Sandra seems to be lying to Russell. He tells her they have six votes. “Wait hold up, you’re doing math wrong,” says Sandra. LOL. He then says a Hero is with them and Sandra suspects Candice or Amanda.

Immunity Challenge: Build a house of cards using 150 wooden tiles ten feet tall, and the first one done wins. Another challenge where I don’t have to write a lot. YAY. Right as Jeff comments on Colby’s stack, it all comes crashing down. That pretty much sums up Colby as a whole. Just when you want to root for him (winning the shuffleboard game), he sucks and collapses (not helping Amanda get the clue). It’s pretty much neck and neck between Jerri and Russell.

I bet they had to put in the stool for everyone so they couldn't be sued for discrimination.

Russell runs out of cards in his hands 10 feet up and that pretty much costs him the win because Jerri finishes first. She freaks out about winning since it is her first in three seasons and I don’t think she should be bragging about that. It’s kind of like advertising how much you suck at challenges and shouldn’t be perceived as a threat. Man, Immunity challenge over at 35 minutes. There is either going to be some scrambling or an EPIC TC. I’m giddy!

Surprise! I'm mediocre!

Sandra gives us the best quote of this episode: “I’m voting for Russell because I have been waiting to take him down for thirty days- thirty days too long. It’s time for revenge. This is for Courtney, Boston Rob, Tyson, and even Coach who I don’t care about but I’ll stick him in there too.” +100 for Sandra.

Jerri says she is “swimming in yay” since she won her first immunity. -5 Jerri. Russell tells Candice to vote for “Boston Rob in a girl’s body”: Amanda. Candice is so boring. I wish she wasn’t the focus of this episode. Her plan is going for “the plan that is most solid”. The Heroes & Sandra talk about the plan to vote for Russell.

Russell asks Candice who are they planning to vote for and she mumbles “I don’t know” which might as well be code for “You but I don’t want to say it to your face.” Russell isn’t an idiot and says “Me?” Candice also admits that Sandra’s on board with the heroes.

Russell stalks down the beach to Sandra (all five foot one of him) while Candice chases him like a little kid trying to beat the sibling to their parent to explain why they shouldn’t be the one in trouble and that they didn’t do anything wrong. Sandra does another not so great job at lying to Russell saying that Amanda is going home. Later, Sandra says they are back to square one (book title! so she gets +100 points from me!) because of Candice. They think Russell will now “get the idol” (since they don’t know he has it and Candice isn’t fessing up. #1 indicator of the way she is gonna vote) so they plan for Poverty. Colby says, “If this thing doesn’t work it’s Candice’s fault” which makes me laugh. But if it doesn’t work it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is because you’ll be next Colpster.

Sandra is practically begging Candice to go along with the Heroes’ plan and makes a good point that if they're already talking like this then they are done. If you flip, no one is going to trust you. If you don’t flip and Sandra is lying, you’re out the door next anyway. What do you gain by flipping Candice?! A few extra days? Come on! I swear, if I were on the heroes and my one chance to get out Russell or Poverty fell through because of my own tribemate, I would vote them out myself at the next TC since my chances would be over anyway.

Sandra is all kinds of awesome this episode and tells Russell and Danielle to go away while she is trying to talk to Candice and surprisingly they oblige. Candice tells Sandra she wants Amanda out (must be personal).

Seriously, Candice! How are you this dumb?!

TC in the TH: Lots of talk about jumping ship. Sandra clearly does her best lying at TC. She acknowledges that she is on the outside of her own group. Russell then tries to explain that they might keep her around since she isn’t a threat in challenges and she’d be easy to beat in the final vote since she’s already won. Again it becomes an episode of Dr. Phil and Sandra says she doesn’t feel wanted and that makes her frustrated. Russell then goes on to list the important characteristics of his alliance and leaves out Sandra. She calls him out and he says she is “just there”. Look at the little man’s poor attempts at jury votes (his lack of social game and inability to keep his mouth shut are his true kryptonite). Colby and Rupert again state their assumptions out loud that Danielle has the idol. When will you two learn?

Time to vote. If looks could kill, JT would have just murdered Russell three times over. Russell even has to brag in his little voting confessional that he found the idol, not Danielle. Someone has a Napoleon complex. We see votes for Amanda and Poverty. Time to tally. Andddddddd, Russell stands up and plays the idol. Another reason he sucks: He cannot read people! This is the second time he has done this and received NO votes. Seriously, the dude finds HIIs (with clues this time around) and bullies people. That’s it. He’s AWFUL.

Two votes for Amanda. Poverty panics when she sees two votes for herself. “Damn it” says Russell when he see he was not the target of the heroes. Yup, you suck. I’m REALLY going to enjoy watching him cry when he makes it to second place again (merely a guess, no spoilers here). And with 5 votes, Amanda is out and gets her torch snuffed for the first time in three seasons. “Okay Jeff I know you’ve been waiting for ever to do this.” Haha +5 for being funny when you’re out Amanda.

Oh look, it's my third chance to suck at the finale TC sailing off into the sunset.

Russell catches Poverty’s eye and says, “I had to. I’m never that nervous” and that’s a lie since this is the second time this has happened. And Poverty says, “You wasted one” and rolls her eyes. Don’t worry Poverty, the producers have basically heaped the game onto Russell so they will be tossing it back in tomorrow and I’m sure you, he or Danielle will find it. Maybe Jerri if the producers don’t want to blatantly show favoritism/ manipulation. But I will still give you +5 for giving Russell sass.

At this point, I want anybody but Russell to win. Mainly Poverty and Sandra though since they are showing signs of intelligence. And interesting that they are the last remaining winners in the game. Because they actually think to outwit, outplay, and outlast. Not outluck, outtalk, or outbrag like SOME people who shall remain nameless.

Next week: The Villains start to crumble: Russell threatens Poverty, Poverty bullies Jerri, and Annie is excited.

"Few times I've been around that track/ So it's not just gonna happen like that/ Cause I ain't no Hollaback Girl"

Previously on * slight pause * Survivor: Everyone is anticipating a merge. Poverty found a HII and didn’t tell Russell. JT executed the DUMBEST move ever and gave Russell his HII. Villains went to TC and Twiggy was voted out.

Day 25: Rupert and Amanda find a locked box with a note saying company will be arriving soon with the key. Over at the V camp, they find a key and map to the Heroes' camp. Russell and his ladies decide to lie and say he used JT's HII that was intended for Poverty to save himself while Poverty used one as well. Russell talks some trash (to the camera natch, not to the girls who are actually running this show) and says he’s going to have the Heroes eating of his hands. -1 Russell.

Poverty expands her king and queen metaphor (getting old; -1 Poverty) and calls Danielle her “lady in waiting”. Wonder what Danielle thought when she saw that. The Villains arrive at the Heroes camp and JT freaks out because Poverty is leading the pack and he can’t see Russell. But he manages to see the tiny, stubby legs and is relieved. He assumes Poverty played an idol and says she has to go next.

Hugs and giggles all around by the two tribes. The box reveals some food and new black buffs. Everyone freaks about the food (mainly Jerri, again) and they feast (probably like Kings and Queens if you asked Poverty). New tribe names are thrown out: The Hillains, Yin Yang, and All Villains. “We’re all Villains,” says Jerri. “Really?” says Colby the Golden Boy in disbelief. Then we get some mumbo-jumbo from Rupe about how they are all winners, all-stars, blah blah blah. This isn’t your little boys and girls club, we don’t need your inspiration.

Cut to Jerri saying she built a covered wagon last year and then Amanda saying someone had a worm under their skin that you could see moving. Most random dialogue EVER. Poverty looks forlorn and says everyone wants her gone and it’s getting to her.

Russell lies to JT and Rupert and says he and Poverty both stood up and used their HIIs at the exact same time. Russell swears on his kids he is on board with the Heroes. JT says, “I told you so. He’s solid man. He’s a good old country boy” to Rupert. JT says giving Russ the HII could blow up in his face and Russ could be the leader of the girls. “Do I believe it? Not a chance in the world”. I would give JT a shovel but he doesn’t need any help digging his own grave. Although, he is right in believing it since Russell is in fact NOT the leader and Poverty really is running the show.

Sandra confides in Rupert and says Russell and Poverty are in control. She keeps it quick so people don’t get suspicious. This conversation makes Rupert wake up and smell the rat. +5 Rupert. GO RUPERT, GO! Vote out the hobbit! Redeem yourself and validate your huge ego by actually making a smart move for once. PLEASE!

The Heroes' last chance. I know, I'm shocked too.

Some talk about how the Villains are eating the Heroes’ carefully rationed bananas. All of the Heroes think this s#!t is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s, while Poverty and Danielle act like they are surveying the produce section.

How many more can I take before Rupert's brain explodes?

Amanda, Candice, JT, and Rupert discuss Russell and Rupert says the smartest thing he’s ever said in this game and possibly his life: [Russell’s] on the villain side for a reason. THANK YOU. +10 Rupert. JT is all condescending about how Rupert needs someone else to think up strategy. -5 JT. He must be hitting his kidneys by now with how deeply he is inserting his foot in his mouth.

Poverty and Amanda go off and talk and exchange some deets about their tribes. Poverty tells Amanda she has a HII. Amanda says she likes Poverty but if she makes it to the end of this game, she is going to win again. Foreshadowing?

Immunity challenge: Holding on to a pole (with indents for hand and footrests) and whoever lasts the longest wins. About .5 seconds in, Colby and Sandra drop out Seriously Colby? Why do you test my love and support? -1 Colby. But I do think they are giving the women an edge with these challenges since Russell and Rupert drop out next. Then Amanda, JT, and Jerri. Candice wishes the girls luck and starts to step down. Jeff stops her and asks why she is giving up when she is favored to win based on past challenges. Candice says the others look like they could last a while. -1 Candice. So she’s out and that leaves Poverty and Danielle.

Poverty and Danielle immediately start talking.

P: You want me to win?

D: I’ll win cause youhavetheidol she mumbles. I hope she said it too loudly allowing everyone to overhear but alas no such luck.

Plus, I mean really, what other time am I going to win?

Poverty steps down and Danielle wins immunity. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. Danielle exposes herself on the way down. Yep, that’s more like normal. Rupert is suspicious of Poverty just stepping down when she is “in danger of going home”. The big man now sets his sights on the little man.

Day 27 at Yin Yang and we get the billionth shot of those two whales in the ocean. Seriously producers, get some new stock footage. The Heroes decide to tell Russell they are voting for Poverty to test his allegiance and then they will really vote for Sandra or Jerri and still get rid of a villain.

This might be a stupid strategy but if I thought someone had a HII, I would trail them the entire day leading up to TC. Then you’d see if they had it OR you’d prevent them from getting it and therefore know they won’t be playing it that night. Come on, you have five people, take shifts and guarantee knowledge!

Russell scampers off to get his HII (ahem, could have been avoided) and is giving it to Poverty. Someone’s in luff. Poverty brags about her “two little green men”. She says she never understood why everyone thought she was the most dangerous player in the game until right now.

In lieu of the diamond ring I'll give ya when we get home

Amanda complains to Poverty about being on different tribes. Amanda tells Poverty she better play her idol tonight “just in case”. Poverty says she knows Amanda is lying and they aren’t voting for her, they just want her to play the idol.

TC in the TH (tree house): Rupert complains about the Villains eating all the bananas. Danielle (who I no longer think has common sense) gets into a debate about bananas and it’s just stupid. -1 Dani. Russell says, “Nothing is going to change. There are two separate tribes. The game is on. Let’s forget about green bananas and yellow bananas.” and I actually agree with the troll for once. + .00001 Russell.

Everyone agrees this vote is huge and will determine who is in the majority. JT says no one talked to him today so he assumes the Vs are writing his name down. Somehow this turns into an episode of Dr. Phil where everyone says they are feeling ignored. Poverty says she feels like a leper on this tribe and Jeff says “But is that just because you’re used to getting attention all the time in life?” Zing! +1 for Probst. Talk about how HII are huge in this game. JT says he doesn’t have one. Yeah, cause you gave it away like an imbesullan (+5 to anyone who knows that joke). Time to vote.

We see 3 votes for JT and 2 for Jerri. Noteworthy (in hindsight): Candice says she is voting for her because Jerri is least likely to receive the Idol. Time to tally the votes.

Poverty stops Jeff and then gives Sandra an idol. The Heroes are smirking since they voted for Jerri. And then.... Poverty gives Jerri an idol! WHAT!?!?

I'll trade you my HII for your jury vote.

And the crap hits the fan as the Heroes realize they are in troubs. “I knew we shouldn’t have trusted that ____” says Rupert. Have fun filling in your own noun: Troll, MF, hobbit, satan, Stumpy McStumperson. So five votes for Jerri are null and void. Three votes later, JT is out. You just got played, son.

Echoing millions of Americans when we first heard your stupid plan.

The Heroes look like they just found out their dog died on the day they got fired and their spouse left them for a younger, hotter but extremely stupid version of themselves. Russell, because he is delusional and thinks he is running this game, tells Poverty “You’ve got some explaining to do.”

Doesn't she know, she's in my dumbass girl alliance?

We all know I have beauty but I've also got the brains!

JT got voted out with his own idol and officially goes down in Survivor history as the DUMBEST move EVER.

sniff This never would have happened if Stephen were here sniff

Next week: Sandra promises to vote out Russell since she has been gunning for him since day one. I hope this is true but I’ve seen this promo thirty times and he still sticks around. One can only hope.

This episode has turned all of my thinking on its head. I’m rooting for Rupert? He is showing signs of intelligence and strategy? I now think Poverty’s somewhat brilliant. I mean really, the two people who should have been voted out were sitting ducks (Poverty and Russell), received NO votes. Poverty could have just secured two jury votes if she makes it to the end from Sandra and Jerri. I’ll say this, I don’t like Poverty but she really is brilliant. She did it to have the numbers when they very well could have been voting for her. I think it’s because Amanda said “just in case” that Poverty knew they weren’t voting for her. I’m not saying I want her to win but if she does, she deserves it at this point. We still have six eliminations to go though so we will see how this all plays out. All I know is I’m excited.

"How stupid can I be/ A simpleton could see/ That you're no good for me"

Survivor Recap! It's almost time for the merge and I waited to weed out all the people I didn't know since I didn't watch several seasons when I was at UGA (couldn't take the verbal abuse). Now we are down to be a pretty well-known group. This season has been pretty awesome (the Cirie blindside had me jumping on the couch with excitement) but then Boston Rob (my #1 pick to win it all) got voted off and my level of enthusiasm dropped. Anyway, I will give you a quick run down of my take on each remaining Survivor:

1. Amanda- Always looks like she about to cry and/or sneeze. She displays some reasoning skills but can also be really dumb (like keeping James around with his bum knee and voting out Tom). The jury's out on this one.

2. Candice- No idea who she is. She's athletic and seems to have some good ideas. Sort of wishy-washy. I guess I like her. Well best out of the girls anyway.

3. Colby- Ah the Colpster. My first Survivor crush. He was robbed his season, got ousted by Lex way too early during All-Stars, and has escaped the chopping block several times this season. I'm liking that the spark is back in him so Colby FTW! I luff him.

4. Courtney- aka Twiggy. Needs to eat a sandwich. Actually like a million of them. If I was on her tribe and she ever complained about being hungry, I would punch her. She came into the game already like a twig so I doubt she eats substantially in real life. She is sassy though and has some good commentary. So I like her a smidge. Even if I do worry she is going to break in two at any given moment.

5. Danielle- Who? Is she six years old with that ruffle on her bikini bottom? She did stand up to Russell last week (even though she ended up going against her own argument). She's under the radar so she'll probably end up in the final three.

6. Jerri- Hated her since her first season (probably cause I was insanely in love with Colby and she flirted with him). She's been pretty stupid this season with her alliance choices. I just can't stand her and her weird teeth/ gums.I can't pinpoint exactly what but something is funky.

7. JT- Used to be one of the most deserving winners in my opinion. However, I think his buddy Stephen may have been the true mastermind because JT has lacked finesse this season. Flip-flopping votes, going to look for the HII without telling anyone, and now his little "strategic" move last night. My love is fading fast (plus he supposedly slept with Sugar. According to her twitter. I doubt it but still. Rude. -10 JT). But at least this cements Ethan as the most deserving winner ever in my book (plus he beat cancer. Ethan is awesome)!

8. Parvati- aka Poverty. I know she went to UGA so I should like her but I don't. I get it, she flirts and guys fall for it. I don't like her but if she stabs Russell in the back and blindsides him, I will love her forever. Or at least tolerate her.

9. Rupert- Completely over this guy. WAY too big of an ego. I wasn't even crazy about him on his season and by his third rotation, I just cringe any time he talks. He has proven to be pretty worthless and he's lucky he got into a dominating alliance. If he wins fan favorite again, I will throw something.

10. Russell- Ah the little hobbit on crack. I'd maybe like him if he would SHUT UP about how awesome he is. If you have to constantly remind us maybe that means you aren't that great. Plus I think anytime we've seen major strategizing going on, it's been Danielle and Poverty back and forth and Russ just sitting there. He sticks to his "vote out anyone who suspected me" plan. But he ousted Boston Rob so he's dead to me.

11. Sandra- I didn't think she deserved to win her season. She is sassy and has some good one liners but all in all, I just don't really care.

Okay, so that's how I feel. Now for the recap! Previously on * slight pause * Survivor: The Heroes are on a winning streak after sucking for so long. JT found the HII and got caught by Amanda and Candice. The Heroes assume there is a Villain female alliance and Russell is milking it. Coach got blindsided with all the girls voting for him except Jerri. And Russell wrote his name on his vote for Twiggy probably to ensure Coach's vote on the jury if he makes it to the final three. Dear God, I hope not. Wait, actually I do because then we can watch him cry again when he comes in second place then offers the winner $10,000 for the title of sole survivor and still get shut down.

Night 21: Jerri had no idea Coach was getting voted out. Danielle assures her she's not next even though she was completely left out of the loop. Russ says he is still gunning for Twiggy and Sandra.

Day 22: Tree mail. The clue is about the reward challenge we saw in Tocantins where Coach got injured, injured bad: Holding themselves up between two walls using their forearms and really small footholds. If they outlast the other tribe's member, they get a point and the first to three wins. They have to rank from strongest to weakest to determine the pairings. Russell decides to sit out since he is heaviest. On the Heroes, Rup claims he is strongest one out there and I think he is insane since his little broken toe is holding him back. Didn't he compete like 6 years ago on his first season? You're not in the same shape buddy.

Reward challenge: JT and Rupert announce AGAIN there must be a female alliance since Coach is gone. I'm not saying that's not a fair assumption but don't verbalize it. You know what they say when you assume... The reward is a huge feast courtesy of Outback Steakhouse. I love blatant product placement because it has the opposite effect on me. I will not be going there anytime soon out of spite. Who wants Chili's?!

The pairings from strongest to weakest are:

1. Danielle and Candice 2. Twiggy and Amanda 3. Poverty and JT (JT won his season) 4. Jerri and the Colpster (J says hi to Colby and I love how you see the annoyance on his face) 5. Sandra and Rupert (Competed together on Pearl Islands; he tells her he loves her and she rolls her eyes. +1 Sandra)

Once the challenge gets underway, Jeff points out this is the 100th day Amanda has played Survivor. That's insane. That's 100 days of not eating, sleeping properly, or bathing. I wonder if she will live for 100 days less than she would have if she had not competed cause that has to take a toll on you. I know it wasn't all at once but still.

JT mouths to Russell on the sidelines"hang in there" and Russell eats it up. He bows his head with hands clasped in gratitude. I don't like Russell and don't think he's that great of a strategic player but when an opportunity is smacking him in the face, he grabs it and really commits.

After 30 minutes, we see the boys starting to struggle. Colby is out first. Sadface. Sandra looks fine saying she popped out two babies and "didn't even get a [sic] aspirin". Rup on the other hand has beads of sweat dripping out of his gross beard. Rup is down. Two points for the villains. Amanda starts to struggle. She's against Twiggy who weighs 73 pounds so I think we all know how this is going to end. The music swells and... Amanda's out. Villains win reward. Jerri is crying, she's so happy to get food (maybe she's a former chubby kid. She always freaks out about the food). Poverty's laugh always sounds like she is crying or at the very least extremely nasally. -1 Poverty.

At the reward, Poverty marvels over having a napkin and what should be folded up inside the very item she is drawing attention to? A clue to the HII? Yup. She is smart, stuffs it in her shorts and doesn't say a word. I'm shocked the producers didn't tell Russell to sit there. But I guess since Poverty is in an alliance with him, she'll do.

Poverty and Danielle go off and Poverty shows D the clue. They read it and stuff it in D's top to take back to camp (there's ample room to hide it. Didn't Danielle come in second place her season? We know what she used her money for). Poverty says she wants Danielle to feel like she trusts her the most so that pretty much ensures these two will be making it to the finals. Poverty says Russ is on a need to know basis. I almost hope he does find out she has it and didn't tell him because he will cut her so fast. But at the same time Poverty is my only hope to oust Russell so I'm conflicted.

Back at the Heroes camp, JT reveals his super awesome plan: If they win the next immunity challenge, he will give the HII to Russell so he can save himself and vote out Poverty (-50 for JT). That way, Russ can flip to the Heroes-side post merge. Amanda voices that they don't know what is going on over there and Russell could be in with the girls. +1 for Amanda.

Day 23. Poverty and Danielle sneak off and find the HII. The editors try to make it look like Russ is stalking towards them but he was probably just hurrying to go potty (we know he spews a lot of crap. Zing!). Poverty says Russ isn't the king but rather she's the queen. I realize I am seeing Poverty when she has been out in the jungle without hygiene products for 20some days but I don't see the appeal at all.

Day 24. JT is writing his note to Russell about what to do with the HII. JT, you're an idiot. Why can't this wait until they actually merge and see who is on the outs. Rupert tells him to add in the note "This is your chance to not be a villain". If you heard coming into this season, without seeing Russell's gameplay, that he is one of the top five villains ever, why would you think he would stop now? Plus, Russ can't keep his mouth shut so everyone probably knows he ended up in the final three.

You know you love me. xoxo -JT

Immunity challenge: Each member must string a bag containing a puzzle piece along a rope through an obstacle course in the water. Once all five pieces are on the platform on shore, they will put together the pieces to build a totem pole. First one done, wins immunity. The Heroes have a lead pretty much the whole time thanks to Rupert and JT's strong start. Colby and Russell are the last ones out in the water so Colby gets Russell's attention. Nooooooo Colby! Not you too! -1 Colby. UGH! Colby fills Russell in on the plan and tells him to go to JT after the challenge is done cause he has something for him. Colby hops in the water for his turn and Russell is smirking. UGH. It starts to rain because God is crying and can't believe He created such stupid people. The Heroes win immunity (cue Jeff's signature arm raise, two fingers up, slightly bent elbows gesture).

"I'm an idiot."

And then like a scene from Ocean's Eleven, JT hides the HII and slips it to Russell during a congratulatory hug. Do the two tribes always do this post-challenges? I've never seen hugs, only bitter comments and taunting. I smell a rat.

Operation COMPLETELY STUPID

Neither Russ nor myself can believe his luck. "Now I don't even have to find idols, people just give them to me. You don't give the enemy the idol. Especially when his name is Russel Hantz." I mean I hate him but he has a good point. Why would they do this? WHY? Oh and Russell, people were giving you idols last season: the producers. Hey-oh!

I'm NEVER gonna shut up about this one.

Russell shows Poverty the note and she reads it all dramatically and they have some giggles. JT has very nice cursive handwriting. You wouldn't think he was the cursive type. This is all I can focus on because I hate Russell and Poverty.

Russell shows Jerri and Danielle his BFF necklace from JT. They all laugh because it is completely ludicrous. The four debate who to keep between Sandra and Twiggy. Poverty gives it some thought and argues keeping Twiggy. I will say this: I don't like Danielle but she does raise good points about how either is likely to flip since they are on the outs. Maybe Danielle just points out the obvious but a lot of these players lack that capability.

TC: The first member of the jury, Coach, waltzes in with some phoenix feathers and a kimono. I love how delusional he is. I think he is going to continue to make himself look like crap so he can trick his three friends back at home into thinking that he makes it to the end if he still looks disheveled. There's an argument between Sandra and Danielle and they blatantly acknowledge the two alliances. Danielle looks like she hasn't washed the area around her mouth for five weeks. Maybe it's just a shadow but it's bad. I take back anything I said about Danielle having common sense. That now goes to Sandra. +5 for her. Poverty says she is running the show in a joking-but-actually-really-serious way. Thank you to the editors who pan over to Jerri when Russ says he only trusts Danielle and Poverty. Yup, you're stupid for abandoning Boston Rob. -10 for Jerri.

Twiggy is awesome and schools Jerri. Twiggy says she stuck with Boston Rob instead of abandoning him like Jerri and Coach did. Jerri says she was never in Boston Rob's alliance and Twiggy points out Jerri voted for Poverty at one point but is now in an alliance with her. "You flipped in time to save your butt so awesome for you. I guess I didn't flip quick enough." Oh Twiggy, I'm starting to like your sass. +11 for the Twig since that number looks like her bird legs.

Time to vote. We see no votes. Jeff reads one for Jerri and the rest are Twiggy. Twiggy is out and the second jury member. Sadface. Sandra even voted for Twiggy. Don't know why but I would like to. Coach is looking like a douche trying to appear all zen-like in a Buddha pose. I bet Twiggy and Coach are going to have a supermegaawesome time at Ponderosa.

I can't wait to eat a piece of lettuce. I'll be so full.

Next time: MEGRE! It's tied five to five. Russ swears he is on board with the Heroes. But Sandra may sell out him out. Come on! Say you can take me to the end. No one will vote for me, I've already won once! COME ON SANDRA!